I was a bartender once...
by ShadesOfBlack
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Steiner of Final Fantasy IX and Dekar of Lufia 2 ever met? I did! Now I don't! Point, laugh, flame...review. Part three in the Bartender Trilogy.


Dekar and Steiner -- two of the biggest, dumbest knights to ever grace any line of video games

Dekar and Steiner -- two of the biggest, dumbest knights to ever grace any line of video games. Dekar of Lufia II made his debut on the Super Nintendo, while Steiner recently landed on Final Fantasy IX on the Playstation. But what would happen if they both happened to go to the same bar...

LEGAL STUFF-- Lufia II isn't mine. Final Fantasy IX, VIII, and VII aren't mine. Parasite Eve isn't mine. Playstaion isn't mine. Resident Evil: Nemesis isn't mine. Al Gore isn't mine. So, we're clear on this? Cool. Also a thanks to Siros Zorlin (You friggin rock, Aaron!) for helpin me out with most of it. Oh, but the bartender, however, IS mine! You can't have him! Get your own hopeless character!

Steiner walked in with a snort and sat on a stool, the normal stony look on his face. The bartender leaned over the counter, stroking his five o'clock shadow intently.

"What can I getcha, man?" He said leaning on his side of the counter.

"Um...nothing! I'm saving the princess! VWAH!" Steiner out-bursted, swinging his sword in a high arch and cutting a stool in half.

"Whoa whoa whoa, if ya wanted to get frisky, there's a guy in the corner mumbling something about Sinisters, er uh, Sinistrals...or somethin'. I dunno, he looks big and stupid like you, maybe you could go pick a fight with him?" The bartender looked Steiner over with a glance, "Well, maybe not as fat..."

"Thank you my good man, now I will g- wait! You DARE insult the Captain of the Pluto Knights? I am Steiner, one of two generals of Alexandria...what? I hear you! I'm coming princess! VWAH!" He took off running to the door, only to trip on half of a stool.

"Hey! There's a stool there!" A tall man sitting at a corner table piped up. His armor made him seem bulky, and his face just gave way to the fact that he wasn't exactly the sharpest blade in the armory.

"Excuse me, sir! I am STEINER! You can no-"

Dakar interrupted him, "Oooh, scary dude with a big sword can cut stuff in haaalf. I bet your name means something stupid like...stoner...or somethin'."

"Why you little-!"

"'Scuse me, do I LOOK little to you? HEL-LO! C'mon, I tower a foot over you -- at LEAST! But I do hand it to you -- you got me beat when it comes to the roundness...greatest...common factor..." He mumbled stupidly.

"Stop your babbling, for I am Steiner! I must save the princess! VWAH!" He roared, striking a heroic pose.

"Princess? Is your 'prin-cess'...even in trouble?"

"Umm-erm...yes, of course! For I am Steiner! I know all, I see all! I must now save the princess! VWAH!"

"Wow, for one that knows and sees all, I'm surprised you haven't SEEN that your fly is down..." Dekar mumbled.

"WHAT?!" Steiner looked down at his rusty armor, blinking a few times, "I...wait! I don't have a fly!" He erupted at the giggling knight before him.

"And another thing! What's up with the whole 'VWAH!' thing? Jeez, I must have played through Final Fantasy IX at least..." He took off his gauntlent and proceeded to count on his fingers. After several seconds, he looked up at Steiner with a grin. "I have played through Final Fantasy IX three whole times, and I never ONCE-" He looked down at his hand and confirmed that he was holding up the right number of fingers, "...never ONCE seen you say 'VWAH!'"

Steiner looked at Dekar's eight outstretched fingers with a strange glance. Shaking his head, he concluded, "Enough of your insolence! You remind of someone I know...ohh, what's his name...that little theif who's been running around with the prince-THE PRINCESS! I MUST SAVE HER! VWAH!" Running straight forward, he grunted as he ran straight into the wall. 

"There's a wall there, chief." Dekar said slyly as he slipped back into his chair.

"I am not CHIEF!" Steiner said with his nose still crunched to the wall. Pulling back, he turning his stare on Dekar and conceited, "I am STEINER, Captain of the Pluto Knights. CAPTAIN! C-A-...uhh...CAPTAIN!"

"Calm down, hoss! Jeez man, go have a drink or somethin'."

"I'm not HOSS, nor CHIEF, nor a DRUNKEN MANIAC! I am Steiner, Pluto of the Knight Captains! I-I mean...Knight of the Captain's Pluto...er..." He trailed off, scratching his head.

"Whoa, hold on cowboy, who's that chick at the bar?" Dekar looked past Steiner at Princess Garnett, who had just taken a stool.

"You insolant FOOL! I am CAPTAIN Steiner, and THAT is a...very beautiful youn- THE PRINCESS! I have saved her!" Steiner struck a regal pose. 

"Saved her from..." Dekar trails off as a man with a tail approaches Garnett from behind, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the neck. "...aww, how cute!" 

"I knew he was bad! He's a Vampire! I'll save you Princess! VWAH!" Steiner swung his giant sword, dashing to the rescue of the princess only to...trip on Dekar's outstretched foot. 

"Dude, if you're gonna be Captain of your little Pluto Knights, you need to be more careful. 'Sides, you can't get in the way of true love. Just look at em." Dekar looked down at the fallen knight, almost in pity.

"Well, they DO look kind of hap- NO! I well not let your stupidity sink into my own geniusness! For I am Steiner, and no vampire will drink of the blood of the princess! VWAH!" He roared, crawling as fast as he could towards the happy couple, then standing into a loping trot. Within 10 yards of his target, he somehow managed to trip over his own boots, landing neatly at the feet of the bartander, who gave him a look of disgust. 

"Look at yourself, man. I've seen some pitiful ones...yeah, a drunk bioweapon who could say nothing but STARS, an insane Gundam pilot who destroyed my last bar because some stupid American dubbing guy gave his name-through-revelation to someone else, but you sir, are the most pitiful. You just...totally reek of pitifulness. I mean, come on, do you think that the princess will actually stay with him? He doesn't even LOOK like a him. And the tail, man, the tail! And another thing...what's up with the whole VWAH thing? Is that something that RPG characters came up with to look infinitely more stupid than they already are, or what...?" By now, the bartender had attracted the gaze of everyone in ear shot. Which, unfortunately for him, included Dekar, Zidane (the little thief if you haven't figured that out already), the Princess Garnett, and a new set of people, which included Squall Leonheart, Aya Brea, Cloud Strife, and Nemesis wearing an Al Gore mask. 

"You better watch who you're talking about. You might just get beat up one day. But...it's not like I care." Squall said in a raised tone from across the room. 

"I say we mug him. Right now." Aya said coolly, removing her NYPD badge from the chain around her neck. 

"I have a better idea!" Steiner exclaimed, standing next to the bartender in the newly forming circle of mad people around him.

Days passed, and the lofty bar remained unopened, and the infamous bartender was no where to be found. Weeks passed, until finally, a newspaper bearing the headline "AL GORE DESTROYS LOCAL BAR WITH BARE HANDS!" hit the news stands. No one ever really knew what became of the bartender, except for those who condemned him. Rumor has it that a Playstation controller was duct taped to his hands and he was forced to play RPG's for the rest of his life. Others say that he gave up alcohol, moved to Tahiti and became a taxi cab driver for the French Foreign Legion...whatever that means. And so ends the tail of a hopeless bartender, who never had it made. What's the moral? Don't call RPG's stupid, unless you wanna end up like...the bartender. DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM!

~The End

Author's Note: This story does not necessarily reflect my opinions, I just wrote it to be funny. Oh, and I didn't bother to spell check it. Why you ask? All the names and the slang would make it take forever, and I'm just lazy like that. Thanks for reading! 


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